remember

I knew that she was going to tell me something awful had happened. I didn't want to pursue it, to look for it. I preferred the news to find its way to me.

1. Nan’s hand on the small of my back.
2. Chocolate chip cookies.
3. Pa at the window.
4. Mum’s quilt wrapped around me.
5. The yard empty of birds.
6. The tree waving at me through the window.
7. The lump in my throat.
8. The smell of his aftershave.

When I was seventeen, I wrote that list. The list of what I wanted to see.
In truth, I don’t remember any of it. All I recall is from photos and super 8 film. At least that way - your dad is whoever you want.